How to Support Your Partner When They're Anxious

Hey there, friend! Do you have a partner who struggles with anxiety? It can be tough to watch someone you love experience feelings of fear and worry, and it's natural to want to help. But sometimes, it's hard to know what to do or say. That's why I'm here to share some tips on how to support your anxious partner. Whether you're new to the relationship or have been together for years, there are things you can do to ease their anxiety and strengthen your bond. So grab a cup of tea, get cozy, and let's dive in!

First of all, it's important to understand that anxiety is a complex and often overwhelming experience. Your partner may feel like they're trapped in a cycle of worry and fear that they can't control. It's not a choice, and it's not something they can simply "snap out of." With that in mind, it's crucial to approach the situation with compassion and patience. Remember that your partner is doing the best they can, and that you're in this together. When you're able to empathise with their struggles, you'll be better equipped to offer the support they need.

Anxiety is a powerful emotion that demands our attention. It can be difficult to ignore, both when we experience it ourselves and when we see it in others. When someone is feeling uncertain, insecure, or fearful, it's common for them to seek reassurance from those around them. It might sound like this -
"Do you still love me?" "Have you cheated on me?" "Are you going to leave me?" "What if no one likes me?" What if I have no friends?" "What if I fail?" "What if I make a mistake?" "Do I look pretty in this?" "Am I good enough?"

When someone is anxious and asking for reassurance it can feel natural to want to reassure them. Honestly if you have ever been in this situation you'll know that you end up feeling drained and exhausted - because as much as you reassure them it doesn't seem to make it any better.

This is because constant ‘reassurance seeking’ actually feeds the anxiety. 

I know this is hard to believe but research tells us ‘reassurance seeking’ is the main factor in maintaining anxiety. 

So what can you do instead? 

1. Notice when someone is ‘reassurance seeking’. "Do you still love me? Have you cheated on me? Are you going to leave me? How do you feel about me? Do you love someone else? Are you attracted to other people? Do you think I’m pretty? What if I fail? What if I make a mistake? What if I lose? What if I end up alone forever?"

2. Stop giving reassurance. (this may be hard for you to do - I find this hard to do!)

3. Focus on the thoughts. “You are having the thoughts that I don’t love you again. You are having the thoughts that something bad might happen” This helps create some separation between the 'feelings' of anxiety and the 'thoughts' about it.

4. Describe what’s going on “I notice you are asking lots of questions” “I notice you are sending me lots of messages asking what I’m doing” “I notice you look upset and teary/angry etc” “I’m wondering if you’re feeling sad or worried?”

5. Problem solve - (but don’t do it for them) "I see you’re having the thought that I might leave you/you might fail/bad things might happen. What are the chances of that happening? What can you do to calm yourself down when you feel like that? What resources do you have to use in situations like this? How have you dealt with situations like this in the past? What skills did you use? What things did you try? What did you learn from that?"

And if you're the "reassurance seeker" it's important to take ownership of your anxiety and try coming up with a plan to manage it. By breaking the cycle of "reassurance seeking" and focusing on the thoughts behind the anxiety, and problem solving together, you and your partner can work towards a healthier, more supportive relationship.

Remember to approach the situation with empathy and understanding and don't hesitate to seek help if you need it. This is something counselling can help you with and I have tons of resources for the reassurance seeker.