Mending a Breakdown in Connection: Where to Begin?

Relationships are the cornerstone of our lives, and they play a significant role in our happiness and wellbeing. However, as human beings, we are prone to making mistakes and hurting those we love. If you're reading this, it's probably because you're going through a tough time in one of your relationships. Maybe there was a fight, a misunderstanding, or a major breakdown in communication. When a bond becomes broken, it can leave us feeling lost, alone, and overwhelmed. Whatever the cause, I want you to know that you're not alone. Everyone experiences relationship struggles at some point in their lives. While we can't control how other people feel or the future of our relationships, we can seek to understanding their perspective and start to find a path to move forward. In this blog, I'll share ideas on where to start to repair the bond with those we love. Whether it's a friendship, a family member, or a romantic partner, these tips can help you find a place to start to rekindle the bond and rebuild your connection.

Seek Support For Yourself

If you're going through a difficult time in one of your relationships, it's important to acknowledge that this can be a painful and challenging experience, and it's okay to feel a wide range of emotions. It's also valuable to recognise that while you can't control the other person's actions, you can take steps to manage your own thoughts and feelings and work towards healing and growth.

Before you initiate a conversation with the person you had a breakdown with, it's helpful to take care of yourself and learn more about your own feelings and needs. For example, let's say you had a fight with your best friend because you felt like they were ignoring you. Before you talk to them, take some time to reflect on why their behaviour triggered you. Did it bring up feelings of abandonment from your childhood? Did it remind you of a past relationship where you felt neglected? Once you understand your own feelings, you can better communicate with the other person.

One way to do this is to seek support from a therapist. A trained professional can help you explore your own feelings, understand your own patterns and behaviours, and provide you with the skills and tools you need to navigate challenging conversations and build stronger relationships. Remember, it's okay to ask for help. Seeking support doesn't mean that you're weak or that you're giving up. It means that you're taking an important step towards healing and growth, both for yourself and for your relationship. 

Understanding the Root Cause of the Problem

Understanding the root cause of the problem is a crucial first step in mending a broken bond. Often, surface-level issues are just symptoms of a deeper problem. If you only focus on the surface-level issues without addressing the underlying cause, the relationship problems will likely persist or even worsen.

Most of us have difficulty clearly expressing our feelings and we may attempt to communicate by pushing people away, shutting down, criticising, snapping, withdrawing, fixing etc. Here are a few examples of what they might be trying to say:

• "I'm feeling really vulnerable right now and I don't know how to handle it."
• "I'm scared you don't care about me and I need to know I matter to you"
• "I don't feel seen and heard by you, and I don't know how to tell you"
• "I want to know you love me and care about how I feel"
• "I need to know you'll come when I need you"
• "I'm afraid of getting hurt, so I'm keeping my distance."
• "I don't feel like I deserve to be loved, so I'm pushing people away before they can get too close."
• "I'm going through a tough time and I don't want to burden anyone with my problems."
• "I'm not sure how to connect with others, so I'm using distance as a way to protect myself."
• "I need space to figure things out on my own."
• "I don't want anyone to tell me what to do, so I'm pushing them away."
• "I don't trust anyone else to take care of me, so I'm keeping my distance."

It's important to remember that everyone's experiences and emotions are unique, so what someone is trying to say may vary from person to person. Ultimately, the best way to understand what someone is going through is to listen to them with empathy and compassion.

How to Initiate a Conversation with the other Person

Here are some examples of how to initiate a conversation with someone:

• "I know talking about emotions can be scary, I really want to understand how you're feeling about our relationship. Can you tell me what's been on your mind lately?"

• "I understand that emotions can be overwhelming, I think it's important for us to talk about what's been going on between us. Can you help me understand your perspective?"
• "I know it can be difficult to open up about emotions, I want to create a safe space where we can talk about what's been bothering you. Can we have an honest conversation?"
• "I know emotions can be uncomfortable, I think it's important for us to share our thoughts and feelings with each other. Can we talk about what's been going on between us and how we can work together to improve our relationship?"

Seek To Understand their Perspective

Keep in the front of your mind your absolute number one goal is to understand their perspective (not to change their mind or convince them they are wrong)!

"The vital key to repairing a broken relationship is to seek to understand the other person's perspective."

This means listening to their thoughts and feelings without judgment, and trying to put yourself in their shoes. Ask questions, reflect back what you hear, and be willing to see things from their point of view, even if it's difficult.

It's important to be patient and understanding, this is terrifying territory for most people! Try to create a safe and non-judgmental environment where you both feel comfortable opening up. Encourage them to express their feelings in their own way and at their own pace, and be respectful of their boundaries. By approaching the conversation with empathy and compassion, you can help them feel more comfortable discussing their emotions and work towards mending the relationship.

Resist Defending Yourself

When we feel attacked or criticised, our natural tendency is to become defensive. However, defensiveness can often escalate the situation and make it harder to repair the relationship. Instead of defending yourself, try to stay open and curious. Ask questions to clarify their concerns, and try to find common ground where you can both agree. Go gently here because it's so hard to do.

These may help you navigate this step

• "I'm sorry that you feel like I haven't been supportive enough. Can you help me understand what I could have done better?"

• "I want you to know that I care about you and I want to be supportive. Can you tell me more about what you need from me?"
• "I understand that I may not have been as supportive as you needed, and I'm willing to do better. How can I show you that I'm here for you?"
• "I'm sorry if I haven't been there for you in the way you needed. Please know that I want to support you and I'm willing to make changes to do so."
• "I understand that my actions may not have reflected my support for you, and I want to make sure that changes. What can I do to be a better source of support for you?"

Have patience, it takes time. If you or the other person rarely talk about your feelings this will be so scary and may feel incredibly awkward! Your survival pattern to either run away, shut down, defend or try and fix will probably be triggered.

Make your first goal a tiny one - to listen to and deeply understand the other persons perspective.

Repairing a breakdown in a relationship takes time and effort. It's not something that can be fixed overnight. If both parties are committed to working on the relationship, it may end up stronger than ever. Take care of yourself and be open and empathetic when approaching the other person. If it doesn't go as planned you can always try again another time. Be gentle with yourself, take the first step towards repairing the bond and know I am here, along with other counsellors, if you need support.